Restless

It’s 4:40am. I haven’t slept a wink. My brain will not rest. It will not relax, or slow, or wind down. It is dizzy, and buzzing, and full of thoughts. At first, I was mad. I tossed and turned, I found a peaceful song to try and fall asleep to. I counted sheep, I counted down my breaths from 100. And yet, hours later, I’m still here. Now, I’m not so mad. It’s been raining, and the sound is so pleasant. The pitter patter on the roof when it is light, or the bucketing down when it is heavy, is delightful to the senses. The blowing winds make my warm bed feel even safer. The song I’ve been listening to for hours I know now as well as my own heart beat: it is like an old friend I feel so comfortable around. The darkness is not so uncomfortable, the boredom is not so severe, the worry about how tired I will be later today is subsiding. I’m making peace with the insomnia. And the thing is, this is how we should react to everything that doesn’t quite go our way. Sure, maybe it would be better if I was asleep. Sure, I’ve had a few too many sleepless nights lately. But is it done? Yes. Did I try my best to be asleep? Yes. Can I try again tomorrow? Yes. But should I do the best I can today with what I have? Absolutely: that’s all we can do. The sun has turned the dark night sky into a beautiful purple-blue. The rain is still falling ever so softly down these changing skies, a light tickle to the senses. The birds are singing beautifully outside my window. The world has a spectacular way of waking up. It does it gently, kindly, with love and tenderness. The sun slowly breaking through the rain clouds, greeting you with joy and brightness, and life-giving energy. I would be missing all of this if I was asleep. So yes, it would have been better to have slept even just a little, because I am tired... but I am not so sad, because I was able to see the night end and the day begin ever so slowly. I was alone with my thoughts for a while. I was warm and comfortable in my bed. So yes, bad things happen sometimes. Sometimes we might feel we don’t deserve them, because we are a good person. We do all the right things. Sometimes we just don’t get a say in what might happen to us. And you have to make peace with that, or else it will eat you up inside. We just have to do the best we can with what we are given, and know it’s all going to be okay. We just have to find the beauty in the sleepless nights, in the mean time.