Sonder

I was walking in the city a few weeks ago, relatively aimless: simply wandering, exploring. I rarely come in to the bustle of the city centre, as it terrifies me greatly. On this particular day, I was looking for a personal challenge, as I was feeling numb. I was looking for a way to feel something; even if that was being scared, I would take it.

The late afternoon sun reflected off a few of the buildings, spreading uneven streaks of light that bounced around until the landed on the ground. People were scuttling around, heads down and eyes away, like they were avoiding eye contact like it would kill them. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and it felt so cold and lifeless here.

Eyes glued to phone screens, or to the concrete beneath their feet. Some walking quickly, some running, depending on whether they were on time or late for their particular mode of public transport. Nobody looking at one another, or around. Except for me.

Because I wasn't going anywhere in particular, I felt I had the upper-hand. I have always loved people watching, and this was a perfect time to do it, as there were just so many people. All different walks of life, jobs, ages, and going all different places. I imagined if you could watch from above, it would look somewhat like an ant farm.

I experienced a new level of thinking on this particular day. This was an ordinary day, filled with ordinary happenings. I just happened to end up in the city, and just happened to want to spend a bit of time just watching people. I feel I needed to learn this lesson, at this particular time. I had been feeling quite alien for a few weeks; lost in my own head, unable to see how I fit in with the rest of society, or whether I never would.

It hit me like a brick wall: I was almost knocked off my feet. A sudden realisation that everyone feels out of place. We are all going through something so unique, so complex and incredible but also perhaps difficult, and we must all feel like no-one can possibly understand. And that we are alone. Perhaps that is why we all feel so vulnerable in the city, surrounded by so many people. Perhaps that is why we avert our eyes, avoiding human contact: we wish to be invisible, go unnoticed, because we fear people will notice how out of place we are feeling. How alien we truly are.

Everyone probably had a hard day, or perhaps week at work, something at home is difficult, or their own mental health is a little off. It's a Friday. Everyone is tired. So close to the weekend, everyone is in a particular hurry to get home, so they, after a long day of holding their breath, finally fill their lungs. Watching the clock tick tick tick away, wanting 5:00 to hurry the hell up. That is why everyone has their heads down: all anyone wants to do is get home, so they can finally be alone. So they don't have to pretend anymore, because pretending is exhausting. It really is a suffocating place to be, the city.

The thing is, I have no idea what is going on in all these people's lives. All I know is that something IS going on. A whole complex world, filled with possibilities. I used to feel so alone in the city, with no one welcoming me, meeting my eyes with a warm smile or a "hi" like I'm used to back home. Shoulders pushed around, squished in to very small spaces on public transport, people barely noticing you exist. It's not that I don't still feel alone there: I just simply understand that everyone else probably feels alone too. I just never saw it like that.

Will the city ever change? No, probably not. What I forget is these people, like you and I, hopefully go home to a house filled with warmth. With people they love, people they feel safe with. A place they can breathe, and smile, and make eye contact. They aren't surrounded by strangers, but more people they know like the back of their hand. They are home.

And when I think about it, I feel less like an alien when I am also in that situation. When surrounded by the people I love the most, in a familiar place, where I'm not exposed to the public, my heart does not race. My breath does not rattle in my chest. I don't feel the need to walk quickly; in fact, I wish everything would slow down, so I can enjoy each moment for longer.

I think anyone can feel like an alien in the wrong place. I think anyone can feel lost without the right people. And I think anyone can feel like they don't belong when they aren't truly themselves. As soon as you find yourself, you will find your place. And you will find your people. Don't wait: it's time to start searching for your true self, if you want to be found. And trust me, you do.