My Body Is NOT An Inconvenience
"trying to convince myself
i am allowed
to take up space
is like writing with
my left hand
when i was born
to use my right"
-the idea of shrinking is hereditary
Rupi Kaur
When I decided to talk about this, and express my thoughts on this topic, I was in the shower at the gym. Post sweat-inducing workout, and pre-work, it's the socially acceptable thing to do (even though I teach dancing and it is about 80% humidity in Summer in Australia... seems a little pointless). I've done this a few times before, but it makes me feel rather uneasy, as there is no room in the shower to bring in anything. Everything must be left outside the door. Meaning this: you must spend some time between the outside, in the locker room and the inside of your shower cubicle... naked.
Women walk around in there fully unclothed, with what seems to be not a care in the world. I always admired them, and felt so alienated at the same time. I could never have the confidence to do that, I always told myself. I've never really said this to anyone before, but one of my greatest fears is finding myself to be fully naked in public. If I was one to be able to recall my dreams (or have them at all, rather), I would probably have nightmares about that.
I was never able to pinpoint why. Like all small children, I spent time running around in the back paddock, or by a river, or at the beach stark naked. My parents bathed my younger sister and I. They're also the last and only people to see me fully naked, in that same sense... besides my dog, who likes to come sit on the bath mat while I shower. But she doesn't really count.
Perhaps that is the reason? Not having had an intimate relationship with anyone? I mean, who really knows. Maybe I'm just self-conscious. But,all I know is I wouldn't be alone with this problem. I've thought about it, and without even needing to ask other girls if they feel the same, I know so many would.
How I got thinking about this: I was waiting for there to be no one at the showers so I could quickly strip down, grab my towel and duck into a shower. I thought it was clear, so I proceeded. And then, a woman walked in. And I was... exposed. She didn't seem to mind at all, I don't even know if she noticed me at all. I felt sick to my stomach, and I quickly ran into the shower. My breathing was fast and unsteady and I felt full of panic.
And then I asked myself... why? Why does this make you so anxious, so nervous? Why do you care so much? Why do you feel so ashamed of your body?
Tossing up the ideas of my past with an eating disorder, my lack of experience in relationships, being young... nothing really resonated deeply with me. Until my brain stumbled upon this idea: "maybe I see my body as an inconvenience to others, a burden"
That really made me feel something. I decided to delve deeper into this idea, all while showering away in silence.
When I am sitting on the bus, or a train, EVEN WHEN there is no one sitting next to me, I squish up as small as I possibly can, taking up as little room as possible. Why? So if someone comes and sits next to me, I am not in their way. They can sit comfortably. I sleep in my bed alone for now, but I take up the smallest part of the bed I possibly can, so that one day my partner can be left with as much room as he will need. Consider it pre-training. I do this in many aspects of my life. Make room for others, even when I have to suffer.
I am constantly apologising for things: "sorry about my legs, forgot to shave them" "sorry about my eyebrows, haven't had time to get them waxed yet" "sorry about my hair, it's a mess today" "sorry, I didn't have time to put makeup on today" "I look terrible today" "I look so fat today"
Sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder what anybody sees in me. Why people are my friends, whether any man will ever love me, what kind of hope is there for someone like me. I know it sounds dramatic, but it's sadly true. And what is even sadder is this: I think most people think like this, at least once in their life... but probably most days.
I've always been inspired by the women who don't see their body as an inconvenience to anyone. Who can walk around the locker room without a care, without towel clutched between unsteady hands, who can let said towel go in front of other women. Who can take their bikini top off at the beach without shame. Who can post photos in their swimwear online. These are the things that terrify me the most.
I have realised this is sad and unnecessary, and I need to change myself. I need to see myself as less of a burden, and more of a blessing, in the least pretentious way possible. Some people will call it shallow perhaps, but I need to learn that I am beautiful. And that my body is not a inconvenience. My body is amazing. I walk, I talk, I dance, I run, I laugh, I cry, I swim, I climb, I will one day bear children and raise a family with this body. I will experience absolute heartbreak and absolute joy and love in this body. It will carry me through everything.
It's going to take a lot of self- development, a lot of pushing myself to change, a lot of growth and blooming. Like it's not easy for a flower to bloom, and it takes time, it will be the same for me. But I will bloom. I'm going to get there. Right now, I feel like a shy little girl. One day, I will be set free from the constraints I created for myself.
Before I bring any children into this world, especially little girls, I want to know how to do this. How to not think and feel this way about my body. I want to be the absolute best example I can be. I want to be proud to be a girl and all my body can achieve. Instead of seeing it how I currently do, which is an inconvenience to others. I'm not an inconvenience, or a burden: I am a damn delight and a joy.
Thank-you for reading and being here with me, as I grow.
